A Manual for Performative Sex

In this episode, I share, out loud, how I moved from being the woman who checks the phone, freaks out when he goes out, and imagines betrayal scenes in her head… to someone who is, for real, totally fine with her boyfriend going on a trip to a cabin with his partner. It’s not some fairy tale of being “evolved and jealousy-free.” It’s the opposite: it’s a deep dive into the layers of what we call jealousy when, in practice, it’s often something else that’s hurting.

Have you ever realized that you don’t fall in love exactly with the person, but with the version of them in your head? This episode is about that: about falling in love with potential, with the fantasy, with the “when he changes,” “when she finally…” Have you ever realized that you don’t fall in love exactly with the person, but with the version of them in your head? This episode is about that: about falling in love with potential, with the fantasy, with the “when he changes,” “when she finally…”

This episode is for anyone who, at some point, has had sex more to “deliver a good experience” than to actually feel something. I talk about how the bed becomes a stage for gender performance: her acting as the hot, confident woman, the emotional regulator; him acting as the powerful, resilient man, in control. Everyone worried about not disappointing an imaginary audience, and almost no one present in their own body.